Funny Bone 1/2

[soncnica]

Title: Funny Bone 1/2
Author: soncnica
Rating: R, coz of language
Genre/pairing: Jared, Jensen, h/c, general
Characters: Jared, Jensen
Word count: cca. 2.000  words
Summary: Jensen gets send to a camp. Jared is the psychologist there. J2-AU. This story is a continuation of Bag Of Bones No. 3, which is a continuation of Bag Of Bones No. 2.
Warnings: Umm, child abuse!!!!, suicide attempt&talk, language, drugs, self-harm. And Jensen is 16 and Jared is 26; I played with their ages a little, and I don't care.
Disclaimer: I seriously only own the grammar/spelling mistakes. Everything else is not mine!
A/N: Story no.13 in the Kosti!verse.

Anxiety is pooling deep in his belly again, he can feel it putting pressure on his guts; it's squeezing his tissue and bones into a pulp of bloody flesh.

His lower back feels like someone has kicked him raw and it's so, so hard to breathe. It's making him nauseous; the food he ate for dinner rolling around his stomach and trying to punch its way out. He curls up like a baby and squeezes his eyes shut. Maybe the darkness will bring him some relief. Maybe he will fall asleep before his guts will explode. He doesn't want to puke, he doesn't want to feel sick, he doesn't want to feel anything. He wants to feel nothing.

Oh god. He's gonna puke dinner all over the place, all over himself, all over the room, if he won't calm down. He just needs to calm the hell down.

Breathe.

He can't calm down. He doesn't know how to do it ... he's not in his own bed, strange as it sounds because his bed is never really safe, but it's still familiar and it smells of familiar things, but here, he is lost. He's a stranger in a strange land and he has no focus point that could allow him to breathe. In his room at least he has a window with a huge oak tree right in front of it, keeping his room hidden from any nosy eyes that would want to sneak a peek (but really, its a way for his parents to hide their sins from everyone) into his room. But here he has nothing. Just beds and three guys, he still knows nothing about and he doesn't want to know anything about, because they're never gonna become his friends and he doesn't want to become their friend and he doesn't want anything. He doesn't want anyone to be near him.

It itches ... this sudden, overwhelming need to get away from everyone, from human presence, from human touch, from people in general. It itches down to his core. People bring pain. It's what he learned way, way back when he was still a child that knew nothing more than pain and blood and sometimes his brother telling him that he's sorry, so sorry.

He doesn't need anyone to be fucking sorry. Sorry won't help him. Sorry can suck it and die. Sorry won't give him a normal, safe life. Sorry won't give him a life where he would be a normal kid, maybe play soccer and have tons of friends. Sorry won't give him a life where people won't point at him and call him a retard, when his parents would pump him full of pills and his dad belt his back to the flesh. Sorry won't make his back look smooth as it should, won't make his bones look like they've never been broken, won't make his wrists look like they've never been cut. Sorry … sorry is a word that died a long time ago.

He scratches his left arm ... he wants to draw blood.

-:-

Jared knows. That fucking asshole knows. The guy ain't stupid, even if he sometimes looks like he is, but under all that are wisdom and knowledge and maybe experience. He knows that the guy knows.

Fuck.

He really, really doesn't want Jared to know all that. Know how he feels and what he thinks. Damnit, fucking bastard and his fucking probing eyes and fucking stupid smart brain. Jared's better than most shrinks he's been around, Jared's smarter than them, he's more cunning, and he's seen.

He has seen. Jared's seen his scars and believed him that his parents did them. Not like all the other shrinks and doctors, who told him that he's imagining things, that his parents could never hurt him, could never be abusive and that he should stop spreading lies and wash his mouth with soap and take these pills, they will calm you down. So he stopped trying to tell them what monsters his parents are at the age of ten.

But Jared. The fucking asshole just snuck up on him and broke him and saw the scars inside and outside of him and fuck him! Just fuck him for shattering him in a million pieces.

Jared has seen and he can't make the guy unsee. But … Jared believed him. The guy believed him that his parents did all that to him, he believed him. He didn't mock him, or told him to shut up, that his parents would never ever hurt him, their child, their flesh and blood. The guy believed him.

Of course he believed him. Because the guy has never met his parents. Never been sweet talked by them, never been in the presence of their angelic eyes and honey sweet voice and aww shucks, our sweet baby is a wonderful kid, isn't he?

Jared has never been fooled by his parents.

But once he'll meet them … that belief will go down the drain faster than water.

It's not fair. It's not fair.

But then again, nothing is fair in life.

-:-

His breath hitches. And he's just so goddamn tired or crying. And of feeling like this. Like crap and like he's gonna dissolve into a pool of tears, but he just can't help it. He can't help feeling like this. And it's all the shrink's fault. The guy forced him to talk, and he was all care 'n' share and making him feel like he's safe and that things might one day be okay and all that seriously must've broken something in him. A wall. A dam. Something broke inside of him, something that all this time, all these years prevented him to feel like this; like crying, like talking, like maybe having something other than what he has now.

The shrink made him feel ... made him realize that there are people out there who do care. Who do want to help. Who are nice and whose words stick and don't sting.

He squeezes the thin sheet into a tight fist.

He wants all of this to stop, please make it stop.

He whines somewhere deep in his throat and turns to his left side, curls tighter into himself and closes his eyes.

Fucking Jared. Fuck his goddamn words and his goddamn niceness and calmness and just ... fuck him.

He knows sleep won't find him for a very long time, and the anxiety in his stomach is getting stronger and stronger, tightening his guts. The nausea is getting stronger too and he burps and swallows down acid that came up with the air. He doesn't want to puke.

Maybe he should just take the pills his doctor prescribed him. Maybe he should take the whole bottle and maybe he should take every pill ever prescribed to him and fall asleep.

And sleep.

But ... no. No! Fuck no! They will not win. They won't, he won't let them win. The doctors and the shrinks and the neighbors and his teachers, all with that look in their eyes; that look of pity and hate and like he's some kinda abomination that needs to be subdued by pills and words and looks. And his parents, the crazy bastards no one sees.

No one sees them for who they are, no one knows what they do and ... he can't breathe. He's choking on acid that's coming up his throat, he's choking on air that suddenly left the room and ...

... he screams silently into his pillow, bites down on the fabric and lets it soak up his spit and tears.

He barely stops himself from choking himself with the fluffy thing.

He will not let them win.

The fuckers can choke on all the pills they ever prescribed to him. They can choke on them and die, because he doesn't need them. He doesn't need anyone. He's not lonely, even if he is alone, but being alone doesn't bring pain and dirty looks. It doesn't bring his father's belt or a closet to be locked in. There's nothing, if he's alone and that's what he needs. Nothing. He needs nothing and not this fear, this terror that is consuming him like poison inside of him.

No one knows how it is to lay in bed at night, one ear always on the bedroom door, brain always on overload, always thinking when the next round of pain will come. No one knows how it is to sleep in snatches of time, minutes and seconds, never hours, because the fear of his parents coming to his room is so, so huge, it doesn't allow him to really sleep.

No one knows how it is to live in fear and pain and blood and sleepless nights and days walking on eggshells, fearing one wrong move, one little wrong action would get him locked in a closet for days with no food or water. Sometimes a fist comes to his ribs even if he did nothing wrong and those … those hurt the most. Break the most.

He takes a deep breath and wipes away a stray tear. Crying is for losers and he's no loser. He might be broken, but he ain't no loser. And he sure as hell doesn't need anyone.

Gary and Marcus can have each other for all he cares. He doesn't need anyone. He doesn't need friends. Friends are for people who aren't strong enough to live life alone. Company is for people who suck at life.

And Jared can go fuck himself, because he doesn't need him either. He doesn't need help, other people need help. People around him need help. He is okay. He is fine. He is good. He doesn't need friends, because all they do is betray you in the end. Hurt you by leaving. And he sure as hell doesn't need his fucking, fucked in the head family, because they are psycho maniacs, broken in the head fucks that he hates!

He hates them all!

And he doesn't need this camp, with these stupid asshole kids always looking at him crookedly, like he's a broken toy pretending to be whole. But they know, don't they? Because they are broken toys too ... pretending they're whole too. And broken toys sniff each other out, like a dog sniffs a bone, because they know they need help getting fixed.

He ... he needs someone to fix him, if he wants to be ... normal. If he wants to get his mangled arms and legs attached back to his body, if he wants to have all his strings back where they belong, if he wants to look like a toy freshly out of the factory.

Because his family has broken him. Because life has broken him.

But Jared believes him. He believes him.

He doesn't know when he fell asleep, but when he opens his eyes its sunny outside but the realization that he needs someone still hurts like getting hit on his funny bone.

CHAPTER 2

A/N: So sorry for taking so long with this, but firstly I had to get from point A to point F and then my sweet, sweet little cat died in September and firstly I kinda passed out for a bit, then cried for days and then I kinda fell into a depression that I am now slowly getting myself out of. I am still extremely sad and break into tears at any odd hours, but I'm doing better. So … sorry for the wait, but I think I'm back to this story now.

Comments

[marchia43.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about your cat, I know how upsetting it is to lose one.
Thank you for the new chapter, as always I did enjoy it. Spookily I did think the other day that maybe I had missed a posting. LOL
Anyway thanks, I'm looking forward to another chapter - and wish you all the best in the future
M

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey!
Thank you so much, yeah its pretty horrible to lose a pet.
And thank you for reading and LOL, no, you didn't miss anything, although I am kinda happy you thought you did ... its a cool feeling to know you expected a new story so much, you thought you missed an update! Ahhaa, awesome! Thank you!
I hope that I will be able to put CH2 up very soon and then I hope it will be smooth sailing through next couple of stories!

Thank you!
S.

[ayane42.livejournal.com]

i squee'd when i saw a new chapter!!

poor Jensen. he needs to reach out even though he is scared!

losing a pet is awful! * hugs*

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

:-):-) sorry it took so long, but I promise CH2 will be up soon and then I hope the next couple of stories will be done sooner too :-) thanks for still reading! And yeah, Jensen needs to get his thoughts and wishes in order, but its hard, because he is just so messed up *sigh*
Thank you! *hugs*

S.

[ferrous-wheeler.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear about your cat! Heartbreaking no matter when or how it happens. Good that you're doing better *hugs*
Wonderful chapter! You've so beautifully captured Jensen's mind and how Jared is his best hope. Can hardly wait for more... but I will, because I'm patient like that ;)

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Thank you, yeah it was very horrible and still is, but I am trying really hard to get back to somewhat a normal life :-) *hugs*
Jensen is so messed up, he doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he wants it and yeah, Jared is his only hope. I hope I will be able to put CH2 up soon and then I have two more stories already almost done and then we will see where the road will take us! I hope you will come back for the ride, :-):-)

Thank you!
S.

Edition 2,702

[livejournal.livejournal.com]

User dehavilland referenced to your post from Edition 2,702 (http://spnnewsletter.livejournal.com/750991.html) saying: [...] by (PG) Funny Bone 1/2 [...]

[wataru-kisugi.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry to hear your beloved kitty crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I lost mine in June, and even I'm still living with other ten cats, my heart have a huge hole of his passing... you have all my sympathy... *hugs*
Write you think you can. Again I am really sorry for the sad news.

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Aww a Rainbow Bridge? Aww what a cute thing .. yeah he crossed it and is now sleeping tightly under a cherry tree... :-) and I am so sorry about your cat, I most definitely know how you feel *hugs you tight* I still have two cats (wow ten cats) so they lessen the hurt a bit ...
Writing helps, keeps my mind off of things, so ... I hope I will be able to post more of this verse soon!
Thank you and again so sorry about your cat too!

S.

[2blueshoes.livejournal.com]

This is such a good exposition of fear, hurt like hell and had me in tears. So sorry to hear about your kitty, thank you for writing again.

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Aww no crying ... 'm doing that enough for everyone :-):-) but thank you, yeah Jensen is messed up, he doesn't know what he wants he just knows that he needs something, but fear is a powerful thing!
Thank you for reading; writing helps me get my mind off of things, so .. I really hope that I will be able to post more of this verse soon! Thanks for still reading!

S.

[tcs1121.livejournal.com]

That hurt so much. I can't tell whether Jensen is getting better or worse. Jensen doesn't know either. I eagerly await your next installment.

On another note...

Last year my dog, Tony, died. Sometimes I still call her to come upstairs to bed.

Much love,
~~C

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey, thank you for reading and yeah, Jensen is so messed up, he doesn't really know what he wants, he just knows he wants something and its just so hard for him ... I hope I will be able to get CH2 up really soon and then I already have 2 next stories already done too, so these next few weeks, things will progress faster! :-):-)

Oh gosh, so sorry, I know exactly how it is, I still talk to Mali (that was my cat's name) all the time and like ask him if he wants some milk, before I realize its not Mali looking up at me, but my other cat ... its just so hard, isn't it? *hugs you*

S.

[roseincognitus.livejournal.com]

So very sorry about your sweet little cat. I know how much losing a treasured friend like that hurts. Many virtual hugs.
I'm so very glad you started up this story again - I sat down and read the whole thing today, it makes it flow so beautifully, and I can't wait for more. I love how gently Jared is tearing Jensen down and I can't wait for him to just as sweetly help him put the pieces back together. I know there has to be peace for Jensen at the end and I look forward to seeing it. Such a hauntingly beautiful story. :)

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey!
Thank you! Yeah it hurts so bad, still, that there are moments in the day when I can't even breathe properly. I love animals, 'm more of an animal person than people person LOL, so losing an animal for me isn't just losing an animal, it really is like losing the best friend I ever had. Uhhhh...*hugs you*

And thank you so very much for reading the 'verse! I am so, so happy to hear from readers that they read and liked and that the story flows nicely and that they want more! Comments like those trully help me write more and faster and push my limits! Thank you!

Yes, Jared is slowly breaking Jensen, slowly getting under the kid's skin and I hope that Jared's efforts won't be too little too late. We'll see *wink*

Thank you again!
S.

[sam-dean-lover.livejournal.com]

hi, im so sorry to hear about your cat . its good to see you back with new story and am looking forward to chapter 2

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey, thank you! *hugs*
And thank you so much for reading ... I hope I will be able to put CH2 up early this week :-)

S.

[somer.livejournal.com]

Awwwww, man!! Come here! Let me give you a long and tight hug!! So sorry that you lost your cat!!! Sounds like you went through some really hard weeks :( It's good to hear that you're doing a little bit better!!

And this here was again a heartbreaking insight in Jensen's psyche, clinging to the fact that Jared believes him!! Perfect update!! :)

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

*comes to you* *falls into your arms* it hurts so bad ... I didn't just lose a cat, I lost my best friend (weirds as that sounds) and a family member ... my sweet little baby ... uhhhh... but I am better than I was ... 'm getting better :-)

Anyways ... thank you! Jensen is so, so messed up but I think that him clinging to Jared's words and actions (even if he won't admit that to himself) is what is keeping him from killing himself. It is giving him hope that maybe, maybe life can be good too.

Thank you! *hugs*
S.

[grumpymagrat.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie so sorry about your cat. I know it hurts so much. I just lost my cat Princess. I had her for 18 years. It's a terrible thing to go through. HUGS!

Glad to see an update to this story and will be patiently waiting for more.

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey,
Ohhh gosh I am so, so sorry for your loss! I know how you feel and it truly is a pain that at times just tears you apart! And your cat lived a full and happy life for 18 years and and now will be chasing mice somewhere else on some really huge meadow where nothing will ever happen to it, ever (its what I keep telling myself) :-) *hugs you real tight* so sorry!

And thank you for reading! My laptop went kaput on me and is now being fixed, otherwise I would have put CH2 up already! But I will do it as soon as I get my laptop back, hopefully on Monday! Thank you!

S.

[grumpymagrat.livejournal.com]

Maybe our cats are chasing mice together.

Don't you just hate when you computer just up and quits on you? Hope you get it back soon.

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Awwww and because my cat was a male cat, maybe they will have little kittens together, awww ... *melts* :-)

Oh my God, do not even get me started.... having a broken laptop is horrible, I haven't even seen the latest spn ep AND I have so many stories to post its crazy, and now I am behind on everything for a week, so .. I have to get my laptop back tomorrow, I just have to!

:-)
S.