Bones Deep (2/2)

[soncnica]

Title: Bones Deep (2/2)
Author: soncnica
Rating: R, coz of language
Genre/pairing: Jared, Jensen, h/c
Characters: Jared, Jensen
Word count: cca. 4.350 words this part
Summary: Jensen gets send to a camp. Jared is the psychologist there. J2-AU. This story is a continuation of The Snap Of A Bone, which is a continuation of A Bone Snapping.
Warnings: Umm, child abuse!!!!, suicide attempt&talk, language, drugs, self-harm. And Jensen is 16 and Jared is 26; I played with their ages a little, and I don't care.
Disclaimer: I seriously only own the grammar/spelling mistakes. Everything else is not mine!
A/N: Story no.7 in the Kosti!verse.

Mike sighs. Jared's a power of, of freakin' nature, like a damn tree when he gets something in his head, there's nothing, nothing that will move him from where he stands. He becomes rooted in his convictions and everyone, including the rules and law, can go screw themselves.

"Okay man, okay. Look, lets go see how Jensen is doin', the drip's gonna be over soon and just," he rubs a hand down his face in frustration, "lets talk to him, see what he has to say and we'll do what he wants. Alright?"

"Mike, you didn't see the scars, you haven't talked to him..."

"Jared, stop. Stop man, look, lets just go talk to the kid, okay?"

"He ain't gonna talk."

"Jared, just ... shut up and come on."

The argument brought them to their limits and they're both hanging to their sanity and friendship with the tips of their fingers. One more word and Mike will scream and then punch something. Probably Jared and his pigheaded, freakin' huge head.

"Fine, let's go see how he is."

The door opens silently into a silent and empty room. The window is wide open, the bed is empty, everything is empty.

Jared's vision grays around the edges, not because of anger ... no, it's from sheer terror that Jensen went and killed himself. Because really, that's the only thing he can think of, as to why the room is empty. When it shouldn't be. Jensen should be lying on the bed, getting some vitamins and some hydration and some sleep and peace and quiet and now, there's nothing. Just a sheet lying on the floor and a messy bed, no shoes, no clothes, no Jensen.

"Goddamnit, goddamnit, goddamnit, Jared what the fuck?!"

He's watching Mike walk in circles around the room, empty room, walk from the bed to the window and back to the bed, as if Jensen is hiding somewhere in between.

"Mike, calm down. Don't swear, there are kids outside."

"Dude some of 'em swear worse than me. Fuck, man where is he?"

And isn't that a million dollar question.

Where is Jensen? Where is a boy of sixteen, who had been abused by the people who should have kept him safe from stuff like that? Where is a boy, that had been drugged up to his ears, because mommy and daddy dearest like him that way? Where is a boy who has never been who he is, but always who society thinks he is? Where is a boy, whose whole life had been nothing but pain and fear? Where is a boy who fights against everyone and everything, but is so weak inside, he can never win?

"Jesus, Jared we have to find him. He could've gone anywhere. Done anything."

Where is a boy, who wants to die so badly, just so that he could live?

"Naw, I know exactly where he is."

"Where?"

"Out there, in the woods. Probably not too far, he's still weak from last night."

"Uhh, alright, okay, so ... I'll go organize a search party, meet you here in," he checks his watch, "like fifteen minutes."

"No, no, I'll find him, I think I know where he went."

It's like an epiphany, a lightning that struck into his brain and left a note saying where Jensen is.

"Okay, let's go then."

-:-

There's a path that leads from the camp towards the woods, a path Jared knows Jensen took, because it's the only one that the guards haven't been watching for the past fifteen minutes and he knows Jensen had studied them, he knows that Jensen knows everything there is to know about the camp. He knows Jensen went down that path. But as to how far he had gotten before he had to stop, well, he never said he has answers to everything.

He's going to walk on the path until he finds Jensen and he guesses the search is a leap of faith. He has to trust his instincts. He has nothing else.

-:-

His ass feels numb. He's been sitting here for a long time, leaning on the hard tree trunk. He must have fallen asleep at some point, because the sunny day is slowly bleeding into evening but it's still warm out. He's still sweating and his heart is beating so fast, he feels like a butterfly is trapped inside his chest, flapping its wings. It kind of tickles, but its okay. He'll rest some more, get his breath back, get his heartbeat under control and then he will run again.

He lets his head fall backwards and hits the bark with a thud that makes stars explode beneath his eyelids. It doesn't hurt exactly; it's just a dull ache that swallows up the tears he wants to shed.

A bird flies out of a nearby bush, startling him into a near heart attack. The woods don't look so nice in the fading light. They look haunted, evil, distorted by huge, tall figures. The noises sound so near and so alive, he swallows down the lump of fear that's trying to crawl up from his belly.

He's not afraid. He had worse than what a forest in the evening can dish out. He had worse. He had a belt to his back, he had a tape across his mouth, choking on his own vomit, he had time outs kneeling in the corner for hours, he had days without food and water, he had days spent in his own piss and shit, he had days of bleeding on dirty, threadbare sheets, he had words thrown at him that stung like a whip.

He had worse. Much worse.

He opens his eyes. Doesn't want to see those days beneath his eyelids anymore. They hurt more now, than they had when they had been happening. The memories of them hurt so deeply, so purely, his breath hitches and he has to bite his lower lip, before he could scream. Because he won't cry.

-:-

"You sure you know where you're going?"

"Yeah, trust me."

He doesn't know for sure, he's going on a hunch here, but he won't tell Mike that. No way.

-:-

A stray sunbeam is shining directly on a rock, a few inches from his left hand. It's a rock with a sharp edge, he can see it. If he would have lived in the Stone Age, he'd made an axe out of it. It would probably crumble at first swing, but it's the thought that counts.

He reaches out for it, digs it out of the soil a bit and twists and turns it in his hand. It's ... beautiful. Light brown, thick on one side and thin and sharp as a razor on the other side. It really does look like an axe. What wonderful creations nature makes; shapes and sounds and creatures dead or alive. He runs the tip of his index finger along the sharp edge ... its fascinating. Brownish with white little dots, sparkling a bit when the dying sun hits it. Its hard in his hand, doesn't crumble when he squeezes it.

It's beautiful.

-:-

"Jared, we've been walkin' 'round for hours, man, we should go back, get more people involved."

Mike sounds out of breath; the guy isn't used to hiking or well, doing anything physical really.

But they can't stop now. Not now. Not ever. Not until they find Jensen and he's safe and sound back at camp.

So, he doesn't say anything, just keeps on walking. He fucking knows very well that they've been at this for a while, probably hours of walking around in the woods, but he just knows that the kid is here somewhere. He can feel it deep in his bones that Jensen is here somewhere, somewhere close.

The sun is dying, dusk floating in, and he's just hoping that Jensen isn't dying as well.

He feels a tug on his sleeve, a strong pull that makes him spin around and look at Mike. The guy has sweat running down his face in rivers.

"Jared we need to go get more people, get a search party started. This is a waste of time. I don't know why I listened to you in the first place."

"Fine, you go back, I'll keep lookin'. Bring people, but I won't go back, alright. I can't."

I can't, because Jensen is my responsibility, I failed him, I hadn't been there looking out for him, he ran away on my watch.

He doesn't say all that doesn't really have to, because Mike being a doctor, understands it.

"Fine."

"Fine."

And he watches Mike turn around and walk towards the camp. He sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose and continues walking. He damn well knows that the kid couldn't have gotten far, his body had been weak to begin with, he had probably been running on pure adrenaline and that adrenaline had to disappear at some point. He just hopes that when that happened Jensen had been in some sort of a shelter, because passing out in the middle of the forest, not being covered by at least a tree, could be fatal.

He keeps on walking, avoiding trees and bushes, checking everywhere.

-:-

Such a beautiful rock. Sparkling like crystal. Like that crystal vase his mother had, that broke when he collided with the table when his dad kicked him in the ribs. He stumbled and fell, hit his head on the table, making it rock and the vase fall down. When the sound of it breaking reached him, his heart nearly stopped beating. He doesn't remember much of that day, just the stinging pain on his palms when he had to pick up every piece of the vase with his bare hands. There are still three scars he can see on his palms, a remembrance of that day.

He puts the rock in his lap and looks at his palm. Yeah, three scars where the crystal cut him, and sharp little pieces made home in his flesh. He had to dig them out with his fingernails - blunt as they had been - slipping in blood. His mother had tea with Mrs. Leight that afternoon, and when she got home, she sent him to his room without food, not even allowing him to wash up. He fell asleep with bloody, stinging palms and a stomach screaming for food.

He picks up the rock. Magnificent. And sharp. He needs to bleed that memory out. He has to...

The rock cuts through his skin surprisingly easy. It shouldn't be a surprise really, it's sharp, but it still feels like his skin is butter and the rock a hot knife. He doesn't feel any pain, not really, it hurt more when he ripped out his IV, but there's this softness that washes over him when he sees the blood well up from the cut on his forearm. It stings a bit now, when he really looks at it, but it's kinda pretty too. How the cut is small, thin, and how it takes awhile for the blood to start really running from it. It's fascinating how the memory of the day of the vase, just ... leaves him. Drifts away through the blood dripping down to the ground.

He makes another cut, this one a bit deeper, a bit longer on the inside of his forearm, where the skin is thinner and he can see his veins. That one hurts a bit, but he had worse. The blood comes to the surface faster here, and it's warm and makes him feel so much better watching it slowly drip to the ground.

He closes his eyes and leans his head back on the trunk, breathing in and out the fresh, clean air.

-:-

He starts yelling Jensen's name. If that will spook the kid into running so be it, at least then maybe he will have a noise to follow. He yells the name with hands cupped around his mouth, yells it as loudly as he can. Maybe, just maybe the kid will yell something back, but most likely, he will make himself even quieter.

But he really has no other choice. He has to find Jensen and bring him back to camp, before ... before the kid does something no one 's gonna be able to fix.

"Jensen!"

-:-

"Jensen!"

He startles, opens his eyes and drops the rock to the ground. His heartbeat goes from normal to too fast, his breathing picks up pace and he feels lightheaded with too much air, too fast heartbeat and panic twisting and turning in his stomach.

Jared. It's a voice he could recognize anywhere. It's specific; deep and soft, gentle and hard.

He looks down at his arm; one cut is still bleeding a bit, while the other is sealed by clogged blood.

"Jensen!"

He can hear twigs breaking and leaves rustling, so the guy is nearby.

Shit, shit, shit. Nononono! He squeezes his eyes shut, tuning out the world and maybe Jared won't find him. He pulls his fingers into fists, nails biting into his skin, and the hurt is soothing, but it won't hide him from Jared.

He feels heat spread up from his belly up to his cheeks and the tips of his ears, he knows he's red as a lobster, but he can't help it. Its anxiety and dread combined that make him pull up his legs, squeeze his fists close to his chest and make himself look as small as he can.

He's terrified. Not of Jared, but of being found and taken back to camp, back to his parents.

Nonono, he had been so close to getting away. Why did he stop? Why did he sleep? Why?

No!

He whimpers. It's the fear and the panic and the anger he feels at himself for being so fucking stupid. So he whimpers.

The noise stops. The forest is silent like its listening.

"Jensen?"

It's not a shout, it's a question and it comes from behind him. From behind the tree. He never noticed, but the tree is massive, and he's kind of lying between its roots that are poking out from the ground.

"Jensen?"

The noise starts again and no matter how much he squeezes his eyes shut, no matter how small he makes himself look, no matter that he wants to puke and push himself further into the tree trunk ... he knows that when he will open his eyes, Jared will be standing right there.

Because no matter what he does or how much he tries, he can never shut out the world. Can never shut out Jared.

-:-

He hears something. It isn't a bird, isn't an animal, isn't the sound of leaves or tree trunks rubbing together. It isn't a forest sound. It's human.

"Jensen?"

He listens, but there's no more sound. He takes a few steps towards a huge tree on his left and rounds it.

"Jensen?"

There ... there he is. Jensen.

He doesn't know what to do now. Jensen looks like every muscle in his body is pulled tight, just ready to jump and flee. He doesn't wanna spook the kid, doesn't wanna turn on the kid's fight or flight reflex. So he stops a few feet away, and crouches down, his feet feeling heavy from all the walking, but he rests his weight on his heels anyway, puts his forearms on his knees and waits.

Watches.

-:-

He can feel the shrink looking him. Can feel those eyes on him. Burning him. His nerves are as tight as his muscles and he wants to spring up and run away, but he knows he won't get far, because Jared's legs are twice as long as his and he'll get caught before he even makes two steps.

He wants to go into his head, into a world where everything is painless, where there is no fear, where he goes when the pain and the smell of his own blood gets too much. A world so deep inside of him, sometimes he thinks he will never come out again.

But: "You can't shut out the world, Jensen. I know you want to, but you can't."

The words stop him. They're whispered, so soft and gentle and muted by his heartbeat loud in his ears.

He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't wanna open his eyes, because then he will see Jared and, and, and everything will be real, but he can't keep his eyes squeezed so tight anymore, because he can already feel tears gathering.

He takes a deep breath. He's hungry and thirsty and his hand where the needle had been throbs; hurts more than the two cuts he made with the rock and, his head hurts too. There's too much terror coiled in him, it's like a beast in fetal position inside of him, just ready to spread out and he doesn't know what to do. It's a constant battle in him, a battle that is making his nerves as thin as hair. Who to trust? What to do? What's gonna happen? He wants to live, he wants to die, he wants, he wants...

"Jared?" he whispers, voice rough, his throat tender.

"Yeah, 's me buddy, whatcha doin', huh?"

He lets his fists fall open, relaxes back into the tree, lets his legs do what they want and opens his eyes.

He doesn't see Jared right away, and its a shock, because no one had ever, ever respected his personal space like this before, everyone else just crowded him, pushed as close to him as possible and if he hadn't been on drugs, he'd spat in their faces.

But Jared is not there in front of him, taking away his air. No, he's crouched to his right, a few feet away from him and okay. That's okay. That's better, that makes it easier to breathe.

He shrugs: "I heard you talking about calling my parents."

"Naw man, we won't do that."

"I heard ya."

"Okay, okay ... listen, we have to call them, it's the law and all, but we're gonna break the rules here, okay?"

Oh?

"Why?"

Isn't that a loaded question. Why? Three letters, simple as pie, but to answer it ... Goddamnit, he's not trained enough for this.

"Jensen, just ... We're gonna break the rules, okay."

The look on his face says enough and he knows Jensen is a smart kid and will figure it out.

"Oh, o-okay."

He starts to come down from the high of terror, that had his heart and stomach in a vice grip and the forest seems lighter now. Brighter, even in the setting sun. It's still warm enough that he's sweating, but it's not in cold sweat. He looks ahead into the vast field of trees, everywhere his gaze falls, its tree after a tree. It's so peaceful, he definitely could stay here.

He hears Jared shift but he doesn't look that way, he knows the man won't crowd him, won't come nearer than necessary. Will respect his personal space and for that, the guy get points on his "good guy" chart. He glances to his right and sees that Jared had moved a bit closer, but he's still far enough not to make it impossible to breathe. He's sitting on the floor now, picking apart a dried leaf. The torn pieces are falling to the ground between his legs and its kinda cool watching it.

The silence stretches between them, but it's comfortable. He doesn't wanna break it, he wants to capture it and take it with him, so that he could forever have this moment ... when things will get out of control.

He gives Jared another point to the list, a point for not pushing. A point for not demanding to talk, when the silence is so beautiful.

And then Jared clears his throat.

Crap.

"Jensen, what's that on your arm?"

Crap.

"Jensen, what did you do?"

Crap.

"Hey, don't ... don't shut me out, don't ... just, look ... just, what happened?"

Crap. Crap. Crap. He hits his head on the tree trunk, once, twice, three times, because noooo, he doesn't wanna talk about this. He wants the silence back. Can he just have the silence back?

"Jensen, stop, stop. Listen, listen, Jensen, hey ... Come on, just tell me what happened, okay? 'm not mad, it's okay, just ... tell me."

Nooo, he doesn't want to. Its just two shallow cuts, just two cuts where memories dripped away from. It's nothing. Nothing. Can he just have the silence back, please? Can he?

"Jensen, hey ... you came to me last night, asked me to help you, remember?

He can't breathe again. He needs to; he can't ... uhhh ... nooo!

"Jensen, whooah, hey, don't, its okay. You're okay. Can you ... can you focus on me?"

He shakes his head. No, he can't look at the guy, he can't make himself move, he can't ... uhhh, his chest...

"Okay, can you focus on that tree over there? It's right in front of you, just look at that. See it? Focus on that."

He sees the tree, a bit blurry, but he can see it and he doesn't have to move to look at it, which is good. His muscles are feeling tight again and his flight or fight instinct is kicking in, but ... but Jared is keeping his place away from him, which is good. He just wishes the guy could stop talking.

"Okay, good, that's good. Just keep your eyes on the tree. Good."

It does feel good to just stare at something that can't do sudden movements, can't reach for him and hurt him, can't talk and can't make him do anything he doesn't wanna do. It's calming.

"Good, just keep your eyes on the tree and breathe. You're safe here, understand?"

He nods. He does understand. It's so clear to him, this feeling of content, of being safe and relaxed and that there is nothing on the world that could hurt him this very moment. It's a powerful feeling and it makes him sink further into the tree, all his muscles loosen up and his breathing even and deep.

He could fall asleep right this second. His eyelids feel heavy, his arms fall down to the ground, palms facing the sky, his head lolls over the bark, and he feels light as air.

"Good, you're doing real' good. Just keep on lookin' at the tree, listen to me, okay. Eyes on the tree. Listen to me, do you see it? See how it's tall, strong, steady?"

He nods. He can see it. Its big, sturdy, looks like nothing could break it. Not even the dusk falling slowly on it.

"Good Jensen, you're doin' good buddy. Eyes on the tree and breathe. That's it."

Jared's voice is silky smooth, the words a quiet whisper, almost like a melody. A lullaby.

He's feeling really, really sleepy.

"You asked for my help but you have to let me help you. I mean this, this has got to stop, okay?

Yeah okay. He wants to say that, but his tongue, his lips, his teeth feel so heavy. So he blinks.

"We'll keep this to ourselves, but Jensen, you cut yourself again."

He looks down to his forearm that is lying by his side, like its dead.

"Didn't mean to." he murmurs and gets his eyes back on the tree.

"Alright, 's alright. Just keep lookin' at the tree and let me take a look. I won't touch ya, okay? I'll just take a look."

"Okay."

"Okay."

He really doesn't feel Jared touch him, he just feels eyes on the inside of his arm, where one of the cuts is. He knows the blood is already clogged; it will only be another scar in the sea of many and he's okay with that, because whenever he will look at this scar, he will remember this peaceful forest, the strong tree in front of him and a strong tree supporting his back. He will remember Jared's words, will remember the silence between them, will remember feeling safe and light as air.

"Damnit, Jensen." the words aren't anger, they're a sigh. Which is worse, because anger he can deal with, disappointment, not so much.

"Sorry, 'm sorry." he whispers and the tree in front of him gets even blurrier, like he's looking at it from underwater.

"Its okay, you didn't mean business here, right?"

"N-nno." He stutters, hesitant like admitting it, is a weakness.

"Okay, buddy, okay."

"Just wanted it to stop."

"I know, man."

"You said you'll call 'em."

"I won't. Won't, I swear."

"Okay."

The tree disappears from his sight, replaced by water. He's crying. He's ... crying.

"Jensen..." its gentle, his name, gentle and spoken with a low voice, like Jared doesn't wanna spook him or doesn't know what to say.

"Come on, let's get back, get you into bed."

He doesn't wanna go back! No! Noo!

But he feels sleepy, so sleepy and the tears are making his vision swim. The tree is just a smudge of something brown now.

"My hand hurts." he sticks it out and sees a bruise spreading across the back of his shaky hand. Looks kind of cool and kind of disgusting. He can only feel pain there when he looks at it, otherwise it's like it isn't even there.

"You pulled out your IV."

"I didn't know what to do."

"Its okay, Mike will fix it. Its okay, come on."

He has no strength to resist Jared's arms sliding under his knees and back. He has no strength to fight when Jared lifts him up from the ground. No strength to keep his head from falling onto Jared's hard chest. No strength to resist the need to curl up into the man's body and let himself be carried back to camp.

He goes back wrapped in strong arms and a steady, strong heartbeat coming from inside Jared's chest.

He goes back with a memory of this. A good memory of being tucked safely in arms that mean no harm.

He goes back probably for the last time.

PART 1  _II_ BONELESS


A/N: The rock Jensen uses is I think in English called 'flint'. I cut my arm on it last summer when my dad and I went picking rocks and my arm slipped and BAM, I bled all over the place. I still have a pretty lovely scar from it, so I thought I'd use that in a story one day. I guess that day has come. 

Comments

[completelyurban.livejournal.com]

Whew, reading this story is like standing on the edge of a sky scraper. I wish I'd found this story once it was already written, because waiting for it is making me crazy! lol It's just so good and so expressively written and so so SO wonderful and raw and real.

You have a talent few writers have, the ability for your words to get inside someone's head and stay there and make them think and worry about the characters. You've definitely done that here.

Brilliant chapter. I'll be waiting for more!

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

hey :)

hahahha, sorry, :) but isn't waiting the part of the charm? :)
thank you sooooo much, that is allll I want, I just want the readers to feel something, feel with Jensen and I want this to be raw, as life sometimes is, I don't want this to be rainbows and puppies and a schmoop fest (althought this chapter was, ugh, I had to have a beer after posting this, I haven't writen this much comfort in awhile) and I want the readers to feel for Jensen and want reach into the story and help him.

thank you so much! *sniffles* *hugs you* its comments like these, that make me wanna write and share stories with you all.. thank you!!!!

there will be more :)

S.

[ayane42.livejournal.com]

excellent!! Jensen is trusting Jared more. I just love this!!

great great job!

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

hey!

thank you! yes, Jensen IS trusting Jared a bit more :) we will see where that will get him :)

thank you for reading!

S.

[dreamers-dh.livejournal.com]

It's amazing how "right" this story feels... I mean... it's like you were in Jensens head and saw everything, like he would be a real person we all can met somewhere.
It just didn't feel like something someone has made up.

Very good work!

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

ooooh thank you! I don't know what to say ... *hugs* that's all I want, and I say this all the time and I feel like I'm abusing the words, but ... all I want is the readers to think, to feel, to see and wanna reach into the story and take Jensen away to safety. I want the story to touch people and when I get comments like yours, I just... I have no words how to respond because what is to say other than THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! :))) *beams*

S.
and I love your icon! :)))

[babyreaper.livejournal.com]

This mess is all Mike's fault, why couldn't he just have listened to Jared, listened to why he shouldn't call Jensen's parents. Lets hope he hasn't gone and done just that behind Jared's back. Thanks

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey!
Ahahaha, aww poor Mike, he's just doing his job, the same one Jared should be doing :-)
We will see what Mike will do. And what Jared will do!

Thank you so much for reading! Hope to see you next story too!

S.

[nicky69.livejournal.com]

First off, new chapter, Yay \0/

Oh, poor Jensen, you really are putting him through the wringer and us right along with him.

The flash backs to his home life were heart wrenching. The picture you painted of his life; the never ending fear, the desperation, and above all Jensen's loneliness, hit hard.

Hopefully those days are behind him now, but how will he and Jared deal with the inevitable shit storm that is still to come?

I can't wait to find out.

More soon?

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

First off, thank you! :-)

Yeah, yeah I'm beaing mean to Jensen, but I'll allow Jared to fix him (maybe) :-) I just want this to be raw and painful, as life sometimes is for some people... *sigh*

If all that hit hard, then all I can say is *beams* !! Means I did right by this chapter! Whooot.. :-)

Idk how they will deal, but they will have to, one way or another. Maybe its gonna be smooth sailing, or maybe it will hurt like hell. *evil grin*

There will be more soon! Thank you!

S.

[serendip50.livejournal.com]

Stunningly emotive chapter.

You have a way with words and description that draws the reader in and mesmerizes to the end. It's a testament to how effortlessly you connect with the text you are writing and feelings you wish to convey to your adoring fans. And boy was this chapter full of fearful and distressed thoughts. It's so real yet fiction enough to allow room for creativity and more drama we love.

I especially love how you enhance and intensify even the most mundane of situations..(ie. Mike and Jared searching the room for an escaped Jensen...so real it hurts:) to procure the best and most compelling image and action to satisfy the readers interest. It's this unflinching command to detail that turns a nice read to a fantastic one and brings us back for more. Please...

WOW...Jensen's flashbacks during his 'crisis' were horrific and you executed their deliverance with unremitting aplomb, worthy of the most seasoned and respected writer.

Ooops...forgot to mention best scene for me...When Jared lulls Jensen into a listless daze, practically hypnotising him, by gazing at a nearby tree...such an intense magnificently evolved distraction....And finally to be safe and secure in Jared's strong faithful arms. Bliss.

I'll be waiting with bated breath....x

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie, I, uhh, don't know what to say, I, just.... *sniffles* thank you so much for this amazingly amazing comment! *hugs you* I am just ... speechless, I don't really know how to respond... gosh...

I just write it how I see it when I close my eyes, and as long as people will read and enjoy and love it, I will keep doing it. Like I said so many times, I want the readers to step with me into the story, move around the images with me and feel, hear and smell the scenes. Otherwise, I can just pack up my bags and leave :-)
I always ask myself... what would real people do? How would they speak? How would they move? How would they react? And in the case of Mike going around the room searching for Jensen .. I think anyone would do that, just go a bit nuts and search the room even if its clear that its empty. Idk, I guess its human nature lol :-) so, I'm very, very happy those kinda moments work! :-)

Awwww, omg, awh thank you! Jensen ... like I said, I want his pain to be felt. Because that will make it better and easier for the readers to "understand" the next few stories. I mean understand... erm more like...be emotionally involved! So happy Jensen's memories were horrific, which is probably a weird thing to say, but you understand :-):-)

That scene shouldn't be in the story, the hypnotising scene, I mean... but then when I was writing it, it just seemed idk, natural to put it there, idk, weird how characters just get you somewhere and you can't resist! Very weird, its a feeling I can't describe. :-) but it woooooorked! Whooot :-) and Jared carrying Jensen was something that snuck in there too, but well Jensen was really out of it and it felt natural for Jared to carry him. :-) safely.

Thank you again!! *hugs you tight* and there will be more, I will start on it later today :-)

Hugs,
S.

[sam-dean-lover.livejournal.com]

great

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

S.

[ferrous-wheeler.livejournal.com]

This is truly amazing! You get so deeply into the characters minds and describe it so beautifully - Jensen's dissociation and focus on the stone and the tree is just heart-rending.
Update soon? Please! :)

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Heya!
Thank you, 'm soooo happy you're liking this. Thank you so much for this awesome comment! I will try to keep getting into Jensen's head here and I hope I won't disappoint :-):-):-) more is coming ... soon!

Thank you!

S.

[somer.livejournal.com]

Goddamn, all these flashbacks, all these glimpses in Jensen's past just broke my heart and it makes me sad and furious all at the same time!! I really hope Jared can convince Mike to break the rules (although I think Jared will do it anyway and thank god for that).

Awwww and Jensen curled up under that tree. The only good thing is that Jared found him and Jensen seems to trust him more and more and feels safe with Jared! But you're breaking my heart with this verse. So very perfect. :)

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Heey, babe!
Awww thank you! *hugs you*
The flashbacks yeah ... *takes a deep breath* while they are horrible to write and read, they have to be there, or else.... But its okay... Jared is on it :-) well, like I wrote Jared is like a tree that can't be moved so, we will see who will break rules and whatnot *grins*

I am ... happy ... to be breaking hearts with this verse. Means I am doing something right!:-):-)

Thank you so much for reading&commenting! :-):-)

S.

[giantslinky.livejournal.com]

Oh how i have been waiting for this, i love this story so much!! It gets to me because you write in such a way that makes it all so believable and i get emotional becasue it's like i can feel jensen's pain and it breaks my heart..
But it's all in a good way of course;)
love it, great great work!

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey! Awesome, *beams* thank you so very much for reading! :-):-) While I am sorry its breaking your heart, I am so happy that it is, because that means I am doing this right and making you all (readers) feel and worry about Jensen. Thank you so much! :-):-)

S.

[maguie.livejournal.com]

I love this story and how Jared treats Jensen so tender and with a lot of affection

this:

"Good, you're doing real' good. Just keep on lookin' at the tree, listen to me, okay. Eyes on the tree. Listen to me, do you see it? See how it's tall, strong, steady?"

He nods. He can see it. Its big, sturdy, looks like nothing could break it. Not even the dusk falling slowly on it.

"Good Jensen, you're doin' good buddy. Eyes on the tree and breathe. That's it."

love it!
Your Jensen makes me want to hug him very tight

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Jared is really good at what he does, as you saw in the next few stories and will see even more when this verse will continue... he just knows what the kids need and he gives them that. If they need tender, he does that, if they need a more strict hand he gives them that :-):-) and I love writing him like that :-):-)

Awww thank you so much for telling me which section you liked, thank you! :-):-) that always comes in handy when I write, because I'm like, oh the readers liked this, so I can put more of it in the story and so on :-):-):-) thanks :-):-)

S.