Bones Deep (1/2)

[soncnica]

Title: Bones Deep (1/2)
Author: soncnica
Rating: R, coz of language
Genre/pairing: Jared, Jensen, h/c
Characters: Jared, Jensen
Word count: cca.2.260 words this part
Summary: Jensen gets send to a camp. Jared is the psychologist there. J2-AU. This story is a continuation of The Snap Of A Bone, which is a continuation of A Bone Snapping.
Warnings: Umm, child abuse!!!!, suicide attempt&talk, language, drugs. And Jensen is 16 and Jared is 26; I played with their ages a little, and I don't care.
Disclaimer: I seriously only own the grammar/spelling mistakes. Everything else is not mine!
A/N: Story no.7 in the Kosti!verse. I had to divide this story into two parts.

He lost time. He knows he lost time and he hates when that happens, but this time he's sure it wasn't blood loss' fault, or too much pills' fault. He knows that.

Because he doesn't feel lethargic, he feels float-y, but differently than most times. He doesn't feel like he does whenever he wakes up at home. Like he's suffocating; fear crawling in his stomach, punching holes into him from the inside out.

No, he feels good. A bit shaky, the index finger on his left hand can't stop twitching, his legs feel a bit heavy, but nothing he can't handle. His mouth doesn't taste like puke anymore, which ... okay. Is good.

It's morning outside; he can hear the birds singing and other campers going to breakfast. He doesn't wanna open his eyes. He wants this moment to last, just lay here on the bed, stretched out in this warmth, letting the outside noises wash over him.

He feels safe, even if he lost some time, time he will never get back. But it's okay, because it was time spent being safe.

A kid groans outside the window about how he doesn't wanna eat pancakes for breakfast today. Spoiled brat.

-:-

There's an odd kind of pressure in his head and a strange deep pinch in the back of his right hand, but when he wants to move, to make it go away, like swatting a fly, he can't move a muscle. His finger is still twitching, he can't make that stop no matter how much he tries, but everything else feels like its dead. Like his muscles packed up their bags and left him with nothing but bones and skin.

"Jensen, hey buddy, you awake?"

The voice is soft, barely loud enough to carry over the morning ruckus coming from outside.

He wants to speak, say fuck off, leave me alone, leave, leave, leave fuck, but he can't move his lips. He ... he doesn't want to move his lips. He doesn't want to. He wants this moment to last, because then maybe ... he won't have to leave the camp, because no one would be able to move him or make him wake up.

"Okay, alright, well ... then just go back to sleep."

He knows Jared knows he's awake, the man ain't stupid, he knows pretense when he sees it, but he really just doesn't want to move his lips or open his eyes. Doesn't wanna talk about whatever happened at night and he sure as hell doesn't wanna see the look in Jared's eyes. Those eyes that always feel like they're analyzing and poking and prodding at his mind, until all there's left is him wanting to punch, scream or just simply break down.

Doesn't wanna see Jared's face - all concerned lines and softness and calmness.

Doesn't wanna see the world yet, can't face it yet. Not yet. He wants to just lay there, with his eyes closed, shutting out the world and worried gazes and questions he has no answers to.

So he doesn't open his eyes, just kind of stares into the darkness of his closed eyelids. It's better like this, better to be in the darkness, better to hide there and stay there. For just a little while.

He hears Jared move in the room, hears clothes rustling, a chair moving and a door opening and closing. After a while, he falls asleep. And in his dreams he's moving and running. Running away.

-:-

"Jared we need to call his parents."

"Yeah, I know."

"Dude, do not give me that look, man. This is serious. He tried to kill himself and I didn't say anything and now this, dude, man ... We have to."

"I know Mike, don't you think I know that?!"

"Then stop looking at me like that, just ... Fuck Jared, you can't fix this by yourself, you can't. And man, this is breaking the rules and ... and ... law ... keeping quiet like this..."

"Mike, I know, but listen..."

The words are heated, but to him they come muted by the door. But he can still hear them as loud and clear as if Jared and Mike are speaking into his ear.

Parents.

Call his parents.

His parents.

Will come.

There's a weird feeling building in his throat, a deep pressure like something got stuck in there and he can't swallow it down, or around it, and he can't ... his chest is tight, his stomach crawling with what feels like maggots slithering up and down in him ... he can't...

His parents.

Jared and Mike will call his parents.

They will come. Take him. They will...

He tries to swallow down the mass of something that has wedged itself in the middle of his throat and it's pushing into his eyes now … he won't cry. He won't. He won't give them the satisfaction, he can't...

Shit.

Fuck

Damnit.

His parents and they will come and, and they will have him again. Maybe kill him someday soon. He can't...

The maggots in his body are growing, he can feel this crushing pressure in his lower back, his stomach is crawling, his chest is tight and his eyes are stinging.

They will call his parents and they will come, take him to that house, and, and, and kill him. He just knows it.

And there will be no one to mourn him. No one will miss him. No one will even know he ever existed, the real him, not the 'under drugs him' or the 'bad, bad boy him' his parents always say he is. Him. Him. No one will know he was and then wasn't. Maybe Jared. Maybe the shrink will know ... but then again Jared will probably never even know he died. Who would tell him?

He tuned the words out a long time ago, but he can hear murmurs, so they're still outside talking. He can't allow his parents to take him. He can't ... he wants to live, have a life, go to school, have a family, wife, kids, a job. He wants to see and experience all those awesome things people always talk about; sex, safety, love, gentleness, calmness, sunrises and sunsets and in between them life. Just life where he won't be scared of every second of every day. Scared of shadows and doors opening and closing.

He needs to run away, goddamnit, why can't he just run away? He tried at night, but he didn't come far, only to Jared's cabin and what the fuck was up with that? He had the perfect opportunity to run, run into the woods, hide and find somewhere to hole up until everything would settle down. Why did he end up at Jared's then?

Fuck his screwed up head and body and ... he can move. He can ... move. His legs are working, he can bend his knees. His arms are okay too, he can move them.

He opens his eyes. He's at Mike's cabin, the medic cabin. Ugh. He's lying on the bed, covered by a white sheet and the light from the window across from him is bright. And warm. Midday then. He can tell by the position of the sun and he can hear the other campers swim in the lake. Can hear the water splashing and kids screaming in... happiness.

He breathes. One, two, three, deep breaths to unclog his throat, to settle down the maggots of fear in his belly, to stop the crushing pressure in his lower back and upper chest. Four, five, six, deep breaths. He needs air in his lungs, needs it more than anything.

"We need to fucking call his parents! What the fuck is wrong with you? It's the goddamned..."

Mike's raised voice comes to him and he flinches.

He can' t ... no!

He uncovers his legs and throws the sheet to the floor.

He can't ... he can't stay here.

A pinch and a sting in his hand stop him from moving off the bed and he had forgotten about that. He looks at his hand and: "Shit, shit, shit..." there's a thin tube and a lot of white tape and he has a needle in his hand. He doesn't know what to do. It kinda hurts now when he's looking at it, but he doesn't know what to do. He has to get away and he can't really run anywhere dragging the pole with the nearly empty bag on it with tubes going into his hand.

Shit, shit, shit.

He touches the tube, slides his fingers across the white tape holding everything in place and bumps at the place where something goes under his skin. He had never ever had an IV before, doesn't know what to do with it, should he just rip it out? Would that damage the vein? Make him bleed to death?

He doesn't ... he doesn't know. He doesn't ... he can't...

His parents will come get him and that ...that will be worse than if he damages his vein and bleeds to death. At least it's gonna be death by his own hand.

He takes a deep breath and pulls. He can feel something sliding out of him, something thin and it hurts. He bites his lip because he doesn't wanna make a noise, he doesn't want anyone to hear him and come inside the room. The thing is out of his hand, and blood trickles out of the wound. He throws it on the bed, scratches the tape off his skin and stands up from the bed.

He's still wearing his clothes, which is great, his shoes are under the bed, which is great, he does sway on his feet when he stands up on his own, without supporting himself on the bed, but it's nothing he can't handle.

He can handle anything. Anything, but going back to his parents.

His hands are shaking, he's still bleeding a bit from the back of his hand, and he presses his other hand there, hisses and closes his eyes, because ow.

But he had worse. And he will have worse if he won't go away.

Now. And maybe this time he will actually get somewhere and not collapse before Jared's feet again.

-:-

He walks to the window on unsteady feet, listening to the kids shouting by the lake, knows that everyone is there, because its midday and its time to relax. He knows the camp will be empty, except for the "guards", but the same as the "night watchers", he knows their routine. Had studied it.

He can do this. Whatever was in that IV, did something to him, made him feel a tiny bit better than how he felt last night, he's not shaking as much anymore, or sweating as much. Now he's just sweating from fear, last night … he doesn't know what that was all about. He doesn't wanna know.

All he knows is that, the window is way too easy to open and the bush growing under it can suck it, because he jumps right over it.

Now?

Just run.

The trees and the bushes swallow him up and he's on his way deeper into the woods. He's on his way to freedom and a new life.

-:-

After a while, probably just a few minutes, the power, the strength he felt when he was leaving the cabin is starting to fade. It was probably just the adrenaline pumping through his veins that made him feel like he could do this.

He can't do this. He can't run. He can barely stumble. Can barely even see where he's going, his vision is blurry, the trees look like giant monsters with old, wrinkled hands trying to get him, capture him and break him like he's breaking twigs underneath his shoes.

His hand is hurting, the bleeding has stopped, but it's tender to the touch so he doesn't touch it, but he feels it stinging.

His steps are becoming unsure, he falters and then lurches back into a run and then almost stops again and when he starts to trip and fall more than he did a few minutes ago, he knows he'll have to surrender to his body. He will never surrender to anyone, but his body. He promises that to the darkening sky, when he all but falls on his ass, leaning his back to a tree trunk.

This was his shot and he blew it. Now he will either die here, get eaten by a wild animal, or the search party from camp will find him. Take him back. Call his parents.

Parents.

He can't ... the maggots are alive again, crawling, moving, squirming, touching his insides with their slimy bodies, making him sick to his stomach, spreading fear and panic throughout him. He aches. The pain spreading from his belly to his lower back, up his chest, to his throat. Up to his head and eyes, but he won't cry.

He's weary. Tired. Feels so tired.

He won't cry.

PART 2

Comments

[dreamers-dh.livejournal.com]

*sobs*

I want Jared to find him real soon!
And I want to hug him!

And to strungle his parents! *has mad eyes*

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey! awww it's okay... *hugs*
I am working on part 2, so it should be up sometime during the weekend, and we will see what the boys will do.

And yeah I wanna strangle his parents too. *growls*

Thank you for reading! :)

S.

[nicky69.livejournal.com]

So not fair, I need part two now.

Poor Jensen, I just want to snuggle him and never let him go.

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Eeeep sorry about that, I was like, ah I'm gonna post part 1 now, before I lose my courage and then post part 2 during the weekend, because something is not sitting well with me in part 2 so, I have to fix it somehow :-)
Thank you so much for reading!

And yeah I wanna take Jensen away too!! And never let him go.....

S.

[shenshen77.livejournal.com]

Oh my! Poor Jensen, I really feel for him! I love how you wrote him here, his desperation was palpable. Moare please :)

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

I feel really bad writing this, I mean Jensen like this, but then again... life sometimes just sucks! So yeah .... and there will be moar! :-):-) tnx for reading!

S.

[ayane42.livejournal.com]

guh!!!

Jared really needs to talk to Jensen!! Jensen is just wandering around in his head and he needs to trust Jared!!

love this!!!

can't' wait for next part!!

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Heey :-)

Yeah Jared really needs to talk to Jensen, but its sooooo hard to talk to a normal teenager (lol), now imagine talking to a teenager who suffered so much abuse, that he can't trust anyone, doesn't even really know what trust is. Jared will really REALLY have to work hard to get Jensen to trust him and talk to him *sigh*

The next part should be up sometime during the weekend :-):-) thank you so much for reading!

S.

[mena-tani.livejournal.com]

Another great part of this verse, I kind of had forgoten it.
Somebody needs to know about Jensen's parents, they are killing him, Jared needs to help him, I hope that he can find him and help him.
I'll be waiting for the 2nd part!!

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey! :-)
Lol, I had forgotten about this too, and then some awesome people reminded me of it and now I can't stop writing... :-):-)

Yeah, somebody really needs to know about Jensen's parents, but its all sooo complicated, one words against another and Jared needs to find a way to help and to do it in the right way, because if he screws up, he might never see Jensen again and that would kill him and Jensen.

The 2nd part should be up sometime during the weekend! Thank you so much for reading, my dear!

S.

[serendip50.livejournal.com]

Awww...I simply love this verse and need it like I need air to breathe.

Jensen's frightened desperation is heartbreaking but so engagingly written. His panicked escape is shortlived however, not realising his weakened state, I love how you executed his hallucinogenic failure. The whole piece is poignantly described through beautifully emotive and moving language. It's a feast of hurt....inside and out.

I'm anxious to read the ramifications of Jensen's frenzied escape, I have a weakness for flighty Jensen...haha... and I loved how he was unaware of his medical state, requiring to pull the IV out and flinch at the pain. Poor Jensen just spirals from bad to worse. I hope Jared is able to keep him at the facility for longer so that he can be fixed:).

Am bouncing on my toes for next installment....

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey sweetie, hows you doing? :-)
Hahaha as much as you need to read this, I need to write this, its insane, I can't stop writing this story. I've never felt this need to write something so badly as I do with this verse. Crazy!

*squee* thank you! Yeah, he just wants to run away, but he can't, because his body and mind won't allow him, the poor kid! Uhhh, it breaks ms while I write, but I don't wanna skip anything, or skip an emotion or beautify something up :-) i want this to be raw and without mercy. And I am so happy its making readers feel and be sad and maybe even think about things.
Heee, I have a weakness for flighty Jensen too. *wink* its a really huge weakness lol :-):-)
Well hmmm, Jared can only keep Jensen there for as long as the camp will last so, he will have to work fast or ... !

Thank you so much for reading and ch2 will be up here sometime during the weekend! :-):-):-)

S.

[serendip50.livejournal.com]

I'm doing well, thanks for asking:). But with all those tragedies in US I know it can't be easy for the people of America at this time...So my heart goes out to all out there and I will pray for victims and for peaceful times.

I can't wait for the next chapter. Hugs x

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

:-):-):-) awesome!

Oh, well I am not from the USA so, I vaguely know what happened, I glanced at the TV when something was said about Boston, right?! But other than that, I have no idea what is happening, but uh, yeah whatever happened I hope people will find strenght to pull through... and be brave!

Hugs,
S.

[serendip50.livejournal.com]

Ooops...I got confused somewhere along the line, answering so many comments and being away so long:).

Hugs
Toni

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

:-):-):-):-):-) LOL! its totally okay! :-):-):-) made me laugh! :-)

Hugs
S.

[completelyurban.livejournal.com]

Wow that was intense. Not much else I can say. I really felt that chapter.

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Hey!
*beams* intense is good, that is very good! :-):-) thank you! :-):-):-)

S.

[sam-dean-lover.livejournal.com]

poor jensen

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Yeah ... yeah he is ... :-(

S.

[ferrous-wheeler.livejournal.com]

This is just so heart-wrenching! Amazing writing!

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And yeah, it is sad, but maybe the ending will be happy.. :-):-)
Thank you for reading! :-)

S.

[maguie.livejournal.com]

OMG Jensen is going to runaway again!

Nooo Mike don't call Jensen's parents,, call the police!

[soncnica.livejournal.com]

:-):-):-) he's good at running away... but he's also good at getting caught.. the poor thing...:-)

S.